i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
