I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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