FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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