Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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