So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
