Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
