omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
