You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
