i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
