really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Randomize
