i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
