A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
