Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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