I can tuck mytits in my pants
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i out mim tonsoeep
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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