I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sober January is a disaster.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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