I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
