he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i dont even know how to be here
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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