that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
