It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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