Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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