is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
