i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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