everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
