when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
