how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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