Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A bitchslap is in order.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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