She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
