Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
