i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
