i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
