She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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