saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
