One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize