I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
