so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
