All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
