Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
