I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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