I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Your penis caused this!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
