trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
