Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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