Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
