I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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