be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
