I just cut my nipple shaving
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
