i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
