WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
