Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
