Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
