I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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