So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
