Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
