Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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