i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The best revenge is premature balding
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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