I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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