I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i believe in u and ur pee
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
