She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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