We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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