my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
