Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
