ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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